Eurovision 2010 Λίγο Πρίν τον Τελικό

Σε 30 λεπτά ξεκινάει στην ΝΕΤ η αναμετάδοση της Eurovision 2010 από το Ούσλο (ετσι μου λένε οτί προφέρεται) της Νορβηγίας. Όπως κάθε χρονιά περνάμε μία γρήγορα όλα τα τραγούδια της βραδιάς. Καθείστε άνετα, πάρτε στο χέρι τα μολύβια για την ψηφοφορία με την παρέα σας ή ελάτε στο twitter στα tags #opa, #eurovision και #eurovision_gr να θάψετε παρέα μας.

Ξεκινάμε; Αν και, από τη στιγμή που δεν είναι στον τελικό αυτοί οι κύριοι:

δεν ξέρω γιατι μπαίνω στον κόπο να ασχοληθώ.



01 Azerbaijan
Safura
Drip Drop

Μια νυμφομανής ντυμένη σερβιέτα τραγουδάει τζινγκλακι για διαφήμιση από πάνες ακράτειας; Κλού της εμφάνισης τα λαμπάκια στο μπούστο και η σκηνική παρουσία α λα Τζούλια.



02 Spain
Daniel Diges
Algo Pequeñito (Something Tiny)

Μολυβένια στρατιωτάκια, μπαλαρίνες και ο... Φρου-Φρου! Στα μέσα του τραγουδιού η σκηνή κοκκινίζει, και οι χορευτές σεληνιάζονται. Toy Story the 13th.



03 Norway
Didrik Solli-Tangen
My Heart Is Yours

Δεν έχω κάτι να του προσάψω. Όμορφο παλικάρι, χωρωδία από τα Silk Cut, βαριέμαι, πάμε NEXT!



04 Moldova
Sunstroke Project & Olia Tira
Run Away

Δεν ξερω αν ζαλιστηκα πιο πολυ απο τη σβουρα στην αρχη η το κουνημα των γοφων μετα. Πάντως, σε πολλες χωρες αυτο που κανει στο σαξοφωνο ειναι σίγουρα παρανομο.



05 Cyprus
Jon Lilygreen & The Islanders
Life Looks Better In Spring

Τραγούδι από Κύπριους δημιουργούς με ανάθεση σε μονίμως high ουαλοσκωτσέζο, και μια γεύση από χαλούμι στο ρεοφαν΄το κυπριωτάκι στα πίσω φωνητικά που κάνει μπάμ Μαμά Κύπρος.


06 Bosnia & Herzegovina
Vukašin Brajić
Thunder And Lightning

"melt the ice" λέει το τραγούδι. Το πιάσατε; Αυτός είναι η φωτιά με το κόκκινο φουστάνι, και οι από πισω είναι ο πάγος που λιώνει. Deep.



07 Belgium
Tom Dice
Me And My Guitar

Belgium had no money due to the world crisis so they just sent 'Me & My Guitar'. Φήμες έχουν τον Θωμάκο να πήγε στο Όσλο με ωτοστόπ και να κοιμάται σε hostels. Just Me & My Fleas. Μα eurovision έρχεσαι καλέ μου, βάλε τουλάχιστον ένα στρασάκι, ένα κρυφό φωτισμό στην κιθάρα, κάτι.




08 Serbia
Milan Stanković
Ovo Je Balkan

Δεν μένουμε στο ότι μοιάζει με το νώθο του Κωστέτσου και της Τζούλιας. Ούτε στον στίχο "Μπάλκαν μπάλκαν ρουβιτσα how bitchy three πούταν free puta μπάλκαν μπάλκαν come on σάλαμαλα σάμαλι". Στίχυς, μουσική, χορογραφία, ηλεκτρολογικά, κέτερινγκ, ντεκαπάζ ο Γκόραν Μπρέγκοβιτς, και αμαρτάνω αλλά θα πω οτι μ'αρέσει το ξανθόκλασμα.



09 Belarus
3+2
Butterflies

ΟΧΙ ΜΑΛΑΚΑ!! στο τέλος του τραγουδιού 'Butterflies' οι τρείς κλώσσες ΒΓΑΖΟΥΝ ΦΤΕΡΑ! [um... Spoilers] Καλά που δεν τραγουδούσαν τις 'Πυγολαμπίδες', θα έπιανε φωτιά ο κώλος τους.



10 Ireland
Niamh Kavanagh
It's For You

Eχω μια ανησυχια οτι την χαλκομαλλούσα πρώην νικήτρια της Ιρλανδίας την χτισανε μεσα στο φουστάνι με μπετό για να χωρέσει. Πηγές μας στο Ούσλο μας ψιθύρισαν οτι οταν μπαίνει το επόμενο κλιπάκι έρχεται συνεργείο ειδικών με γερανό να την σηκώσει να την μεταφέρει εκτός σκηνής.



11 Greece
Giorgos Alkaios & Friends
OPA

Our very own Chubby Sakis! Εγω το αγαπώ το τραγουδάκι μας, η εμφάνιση είναι λίγο pick & mix από οποιαδήποτε συμμετοχή της Ελλάδας στα 00s (Sakis, Elena, SAGAPO, Sarbel, Kalomoira, μόνο το ντεκολτέ της Μαντούς λείπει), φοβάμαι θα μας πάρουν χαμπάρι οι ξένοι... Μόνο αρνητικό στον ημιτελικό αυτή η ρημαδιασμένη μοϊκάνα που κάνει διάλλειμμα στην καράφλα του Αλκάιου. Μα μια κωμμοτρίς δεν είχαν στην αποστολή, μόνος του τα έκοψε; Δεν ξέρει καμμιά από τις friends να πιάνει ψαλίδι;



12 United Kingdom
Josh
That Sounds Good To Me

Ότι αρχίζει ωραία τελειώνει σε ντίσκο. Οι άγγλοι μας μεταφέρουν το ορίτζιναλ couture των bachelor/hen parties τους, και πουλάνε το βρακί τους για summer in mykonos. 'You bring the sunshine, i bring the good times'. Θα τους παραδεχτώ οτί για τόσο χάλι τραγούδι, ωραία το στήσανε επι σκηνής. Το συνολικό εφέ θα το πώ 'mamma mia'.



13 Georgia
Sofia Nizharadze
Shine

Ένα τσούρμο αδελφές με λευκές στολές την κυνηγανε πάνω στη σκηνή να τη μαζέψουν και όλο τους ξεφεύγει. Το theme ειναι 'Δρομοκαίτειο'. Μα έχουν και το σήμα του Ερυθρού Σταυρού πάνω, δηλαδή χέστε με.



14 Turkey
maNga
We Could Be The Same

Συνδυάζει cosplay με Eurovision. Φοβάμαι τι θα δούν τα μάτια μας του χρόνου στο διαγωνισμό αν κερδίσουν. Μπαλέτα πικατσού, και μπαλάντες Κάντυ Κάντυ.


15 Albania
Juliana Pasha
It's All About You

Βlondie and the Supremes. Για αλβανική απομίμηση γνωστού brand, δ'εν κακό.



16 Iceland
Hera Björk
Je Ne Sais Quoi

Η Ισλανδία στέλνει το Ηφαίστειο της να σαμποτάρει το διαγωνισμό. Ελπίζουν οτι θα κάνουν τις άλλες χώρες να φάνε τη στάχτη τους, αλλά αυτό το νώθο παιδί της Κατερινας Κούκα και της Τζέσυ Παπουτσή είναι απλά ασύμφορο. Με το υφασμα για το φορεμα της ντυνονται κ οι 4 κοπελιες πίσω και ράβουν και κουρτινες για την προίκα τους.


17 Ukraine
Alyosha
Sweet People

Η μικρή Ουκρανή Gaga, Bjork, Roisin, all in one. Απλά αγαπάμε.



18 France
Jessy Matador
Allez Olla Olé

Η Γαλλία συμμετέχει φέτος με τον υπερ-πιασάρικο 'υμνο της εθνικής της στο Μουντιάλ. Άδικο προβάδισμα; Αλλέ Ολά Ολέ.


19 Romania
Paula Seling & Ovi
Playing With Fire

Στην πιανομπανιέρα δυο-δυο. "Girl Girl Girl". "oooh boy". "Hey grrrl". Σουξέ το GRRRRL σε Γκάζι και λοιπά γκέτο. Προσοχή στην ένταση της τιβί στο φινάλε, κινδυνεύουν τα κρύσταλλα σας από την τσιρίδα της Ρομούνας (εγώ απορώ πως δεν έχει ραγίσει και το πιάνο επι σκηνής). Κατα τ'άλλα τρελό χιτ, εγώ αγαπώ.



20 Russia
Peter Nalitch & Friends
Lost And Forgotten

Τα παιδιά ήρθαν από την Στέππα και δεν πακετάρισαν παρά μόνο κασκολάκια και το παλιό τους παλτό. Τα χιόνια δεν είναι εφέ, είναι το κλιματιστικό της αίθουσας για να μην λιωσουν μακριά από το σπιτικό τους περιβάλλον. Όλα τα λεφτά η ρωσσοαγγλική προφορά.



21 Armenia
Eva Rivas
Apricot Stone

Nομιζω οτι τραγουδαει για... βερυκοκα; Kαι ποτίζει ενα γιγαντιο κουκούτσι στο κέντρο; Και συμμετέχει ο Εθνικός μας Σταρ; Μην σας αποσπούν την προσοχή τα... βερύκοκάκια στο μπούστο της πρωταγωνίστριας, φτύστε το το κουκούτσι.



22 Germany
Lena
Satellite

Τσαμπουκάς, γλύκα, attitude, φρεσκαδούρα, σπιρτάδα, bitchiness, αγάπη και... τιποτα, αλλο, απλά αγάπη. Καλή τύχη στο Λενιώ.



23 Portugal
Filipa Azevedo
Há Dias Assim

Τρωω τα μουστάκια μοu οτι κατω απο τη φουστα εχει κρυψει σκαμπουδακι. Κοντη!



24 Israel
Harel Skaat
Milim

Aμα του φορουσαν ενα φουστανακι κ αυτουνου κατι ελπιδες θα ειχε. Εκτος αν μας το φυλαει για εκπληξη στο φινις. Μην μου φωνάζεις 'Σέρσε Μανουλιιιιμ' εμένα, δεν με ρίχνεις!



25 Denmark
Chanée & N'evergreen
In A Moment Like This

Cohenhagen, οπως λεμε τυφλα να'χει ο David Copperfield και η Βάσια Τριφύλλη (τοίχε ΤΖΟΥΣ!) Θα έλεγα ότι είναι κλεμμένο από Army of Lovers το τραγουδάκι, αλλά η γνώση θα λειτουργήσει εναντίον μου.


Προγνωστικά; Δεν μ'αρέσει να κάνω. Το TOP 10 των αγαπημένων μου όμως:


1. Germany
2. Romania
3. Ukraine
4. Greece
5. Serbia
6. Russia
7. Albania
8. Iceland
9. Georgia
10. Moldova

Άντε και καλή θέαση!

(για live bitch stream ακολουθήστε με στο twitter @manolis.
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Eurovision 2009 Final prep

After the sizzling 1st and 2nd semi-finals, tonight's the night!


Going through tonight's Final, country by country with critiques (some recycled, some updated for extra bitchiness) and semi-final screen captures. What are you voting for?


01. Lithuania
Sasha Son
Love

A song that is both a love ballad and also a plea for European help to support education in Lithuania. The song is living, breathing, dancing, sparkling gay proof in a fedora to the limited dictionary of the Lithuanian people. I mean, really:
"If you really love
The love you say you love (really love)
Then surely that love would love ...
Then surely that love would love to love you back "
They really don't know any other verbs. They live on love alone in Lithuania.



02. Israel
Noa & Mira Awad
There Must Be Another Way

Diva-tastic. The two Israeli and Arab ladies fill the stage with their presence and chemistry, but I would still like to see the person responsible for that little drumming session in the end shot in Moscow plaza.




03. France
Patricia Kaas
Et S'il Fallait Le Faire

... at the risk of repeating myself and/or sounding corny: Viva la Diva! France's performance sails or fails with the significant Dame's delivery of the one-woman show-stopper tonight. The videoclip unleashed an intense, passionate and captivating performance - packed with expressive moments and an outburst of palpable emotion, which I couldn't recognise in the fan-captures of the final rehearsals. Hopefully all will go well for her, noone wants to have to deal with snotty disappointed Frenchies all night.




04. Sweden
Malena Ernman
La Voix

Unquestionably classy, haunting and glam. The final is front-packed with stage divas, it might make for an uneven second half. I'm a sucker for a good high-pitch shriek, and handy stage props. Why do I feel so dirty after mrs Malena constant love-making to the camera? I feel penetrated :(

Je t'aime, amour, quand
J’entends la voix…
Je t'aime, ma vie
C’est jamais sans toi
Je vis ma vie pour toi
C'est l'universe pour moi



05. Croatia
Igor Cukrov feat. Andrea
Lijepa Tena

A beautiful 'sea-breeze' ballad, performed in black and white contrast, with a simple but powerful costume change. The first costume trick of the night so far this year, too... I'm gladly be guilty to admit the costume flips and stage antics may be my #1 favourite Eurovision fad ;)



06. Portugal
Flor-de-lis
Todas As Ruas Do Amor

I'm particularly soft to the Fado sounds of the Portuguese heritage, and the music here actually accomplishes the impossible, to merge with and justify the magic candycane background. It's bright, it's uplifting, it... will be lucky to get in the top 10 unfortunately, but I very much hope it does.




07. Iceland
Yohanna
Is It True?

A picture perfect ballad seems to have leaped straight out of a Disney feature, complete with the singing princess, magic moonshine, candy-stream clouds, and one fat pair of back-up singing stepsisters. In the end of the day, could you really pick this one out from a Eurovision ballad police line-up?




08. Greece
Sakis Rouvas
This Is Our Night

Caution: rant in progress. On principle, the lovely Greek queer daddy Sakis has everything needed to dazzle the Eurovision fans. Another paint-by-numbers (and therefore so forgettable) pop dance number, chiseled abs, picture-perfect frozen colgate smile, and a wardrobe with perpetually washing machine shrunk tees and torn jeans that were already two sizes too tight to begin with. Despite national pride and all that fuck, I so wished the old hag to fall on her face tonight, as the comparison to the young and talented Norwegian Alexandar only serves to accentuate everything that's fundamentally wrong about our old Greek hag in dazzling Persil white and can't-believe-it's-not-spray-on body tan. Regardless, the absolutely shameless excess of his magic sparkling soap box stage, which rotates, elevates, binds, tilts and even lets you do your treadmill and will make you breakfast in bed in the morning, managed to win even me over. It's like something out of Sport Billy's bag! Dix points for the magic soap box stage, I still hope Sakis falls on his face :)




09. Armenia
Inga & Anush
Jan Jan

An adeptly performed (and only ever so slightly creepy) gothic pop/oriental dance from Anush and Inga (all together now, In-GA!!!). Solid Eurovision-level performance, good use of the stage, and scarily bold wardrobe choices. The Euro-voting crowd in the semifinal surprised me pleasantly by pushing them through to tonight, but now they have to appeal to the slightly less gay general public voters, and I fail to see any challenging wings in them. Twin belly-dancers are sexy in principle, but this pair look more prone to chop your member off and spit it back at you, I fear the straight male audience is prone to cover their private parts and shiver on their couches.




10. Russia
Anastasia Prikhodko
Mamo

I did not expect this one. Russia makes up (in my eyes) for last year's empty dazzle (all pomp, no pop) victory in Eurovision, with the most unsettling and evocative performance in this year's competition. Anastasia performs live in front of an oversized pre-recorded video replay of a very plain but intimate close-up rendition of the song. At first, the comparison between the two is unavoidable, as one performance at times overshadows or at other times pales before the other. As the song reaches the crescendo, one Anastasia surrenders to emotion, a helpless bawling victim, while the other defiantly overpowers the stage with her voice and movement. Brava!




11. Azerbaijan
AySel & Arash
Always

What an interesting mish-mash. And by interesting, I of course mean hideous, boring, ghastly unoriginal or a combination thereof. It's a song and dance routine that would make the masses roar in some dingy Athenian entertainment centre several km out on the interstate, sometime in the late 80s to early 90s, but right here right now, I'll have to urge you to reconsider a quick run to the loo, we're barely halfway through!



12. Bosnia and Herzegovina
Regina
Bistra Voda

It can't be just me who sees the similarities between this and the enchanting Leyla from a few years back. An admirable stage presence, choreography and non-offending costumes (for a change, tonight. see? nothing wrong with playing-it-safe white, people). Because of the gruelling choice of songs for the 1st semi-final, 'not offensive' was actually a rare enough quality to put a song in my top picks. In the final, there's a considerably higher bar to pass, and Regina doesn't cut it.



13. Moldova
Nelly Ciobanu
Hora Din Moldova

Eurovision has been proving year after year that there really is no traditional local costume or uniform that could not benefit from knee high leather boots, lots of sparkle and an i-can-see-your-fanny skirt! Oh, make no mistake, I still applauded all the way through this performance, one of the night's shining ones, as I fully support more ethnic flavour in each country's contribution.




14. Malta
Chiara
What If We

So reminiscent of the similarly Disney-ish Iceland entry, only with the Dragon having eaten the princess, AND her sisters (also, very probably, the entire signing dancing kitchen set and assorted talking animal supporting cast) and taken the stage. Just because a performer is large enough to fill the stage by herself does not mean it's the wise way to go. Her actual semifinal performance won me over, in a Broadway musical magic quality, she's certainly a mama Diva.



15. Estonia
Urban Symphony
Rändajad

Estonia takes this year's Slovenian recipe (string quartet + eye candy) one step further. Keep the strings, get rid of the blokes, and fill the stage with young girls in long sparkling dresses and instruments. It could work. Unfortunately for them, there's been too many good performances tonight, and it forces the audience to actually consider song quality as criteria for once. I wish I knew what they were singing about...



16. Denmark
Brinck
Believe Again

Gawd, you folks must be bloated after this long night. Denmark is thinking of you and is providing you with a well-deserved 3-minute slash-break after the half-point of the show (remind me again, why is their singer dressed like a horse jockey?). Hurry back though, we've got more to cover.



17. Germany
Alex Swings Oscar Sings!
Miss Kiss Kiss Bang

Germany attempts to manufacture their own Ricky Martin, by separating the Ricky from the Martin, having one guy sing and another attempt to swing, with an accompaniment of dancers who, at least at the time of the rehearsal shoot, had no coordination, and some more dubious wardrobe choices that you can see for yourselves below. If the German were meant to swing and dazzle, they would have been born w-- no scratch that, the German were NEVER meant to swing.




18. Turkey
Hadise
Düm Tek Tek

Wow, talk about playing it safe, and by the checkpoint list. An admittedly catchy tune onslaught, the likes of which Turkey hasn't dared unleash since the international plague of 'kiss kiss', a voluptuous JLo wannabe, stagefarts, sexy chicas, belly-dancing, endless legs, manly stage totty. There's no doubt this will make it through to the top 10...




19. Albania
Kejsi Tola
Carry Me In Your Dreams

I was surprised by the Albanian choreography this year. Performed by what could succinctly be described as the Albanian knock-off Kalomoira (Greece's twinky performer last year), the choreography has the sort of ever-moving, sitting down on people, getting up, moving, stepping on people, climbing, sitting, standing, again, moving etc restless feel that you only see when the producers are desperately keen to distract the people's attention from the song as much as humanly possibly (the improvement on the moldovan i-can-now-see-straight-IN-your-fanny skirt combined with the did-they-really-need-to addition of a floor fan under the girl only adds to the support of the posit. Of course, they do want to do well, but not actually win, because then comes the 'shit, we actually have to host this next year, we don't have any money!!' we're-fucked moment. And that's why there's a walking green dildo-man with glitter on stage with the girl. He's there for the interest of the national economy.




20. Norway
Alexander Rybak
Fairytale

On the flip side, there's Norway. There's no way, absolutely no way, you can listen to Fairytale and see Alexander's exuberance, enthusiasm and energy on stage, his magnetising eyes, and not remember this song for days or weeks later. The clear and uncontested winner of this year's Eurovision, I will be disgusted if any other song even dares to compete with this young boy. He's written the song himself, a pure love song, that breaks the stale confines of what's expected from a Eurovision entry and floods the audience with its raw emotion. Guess who I'm voting for? :)




21. Ukraine
Svetlana Loboda
Be my Valentine! (Anti-crisis Girl)

Svetlana for Eurovision Prom Queen! The Ukrainian scandal queen shows an envious versatility, jumping from a Madonna music video intro with as many industrial gear set pieces as she could fit on stage, to a dirrty Xtina dance routine, spreading her legs and rubbing her crotch left and right on her boys' faces, and finishing with an 80s kitsch garage band revolution. Represent!




22. Romania
Elena
The Balkan Girls

Surprisingly NOT a hot-line ad, although it skits the limits ooooh-so-close! One of the night's catchiest songs, it's sure to win the elusive hungry wolf str8 man-votes. If it still fails, at least we can be sure the girls have done their part to boost summer sex-tourism to the balkan countries. Rumouredly, a big hit in the Sofia 2009 human trafficking convention circuit too. From rehearsal to performance, the entry gained a 'daughters of Eve' theme and costumes that can only be likened to bridesmaid dresses (the principle of dressing all the other girls around you on stage as ugly as you can get away with, to make yourself shine better).

The Balkan girls they like to party like nobody , like nobody,
For crowd delight , we’ll shine all night.



23. United Kingdom
Jade Ewen
It's My Time

I'm amazed how often I find brits in conversation who are so happy and hopeful about this year's Eurovision, as they "finally have a great song" and "won't be getting nil points this year". Hilarious. Andrew Lloyd Weber has created what is -without contest- the blandest, most boring, uninspired and -frankly- tedious song of the contest this year. It just goes on and on and on:
(My time
It’s my time
It’s my time
My moment)x100
with music, lyrics and performance so bland and generic that they could be used as a space-filler number for *any* of his broadway musicals. The legendary name of sir Weber is not enough to win you points, UK, try again next year, good luck. Nil points!


24. Finland
Waldo's People
Lose Control

Skank-tastic! The whole 3 minutes I had the jabbing suspicion the backup singer girls were hired by the hour from the Moscow plaza sidewalks. I held some reservation in the previous write-up as the entire ensemble cast had different costumes between the two rehearsals I watched online, but the end result in the semi-final did not save this flop, which surprisingly made it through regardless.
p.s. what's with the Circo obsession this year? 15 songs in, and we've already seen stiltmen, superheroes and fire jogglers. How long before the Bearded Lady and the Geek?



25. Spain
Soraya
La Noche Es Para Mí (The Night Is For Me)

Last song of the night, and if you're exhausted as I am, you won't have the energy to put up with Generic Eurovision Sing&Dance routine #256 from Spain, which combined the accentuates all the generalities from Greece, Albania and such this year. Like a 3-minute conclusions chapter with really bland lyrics.


...and the actual final tally of the evening? Here's my personal top 10, which will likely have no resemblance to the general consensus at the end of the night.

1. Norway - Fairytale
2. Sweden - La Voix
3. Russia - Mamo
4. Ukraine - Svetlana
5. Portugal - Flor-de-Lis
6. Turkey - Dum Tek Tek
7. Armenia - Inga & Anush
8. France - Patricia Kaas
9. Greece (just for remnants of Greek pride)
10. Romania - the Balkan Girls

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Eurovision 2009 2nd Semi-Final prep

I'm thoroughly impressed with how the first part of this speedy coverage was received on Tuesday, especially seeing as how all 7 of my top choices managed to make it through to the final. Check me out!

Tonight, same deal as the Tuesday post. Quickly running through tonight's contestants through the fan-posted videos of the performances from the rehearsals. The good I'll talk in detail, the bad I'll mock and the dull I'll just skip before finishing the video. We're on a tight time leash!

Let's get this over with:


01. Croatia
Igor Cukrov feat. Andrea
Lijepa Tena

A strong start for the night, a beautiful 'sea-breeze' ballad, performed in black and white contrast, with a simple but powerful costume change. The first costume trick of the competition so far this year, too... I'm gladly be guilty to admit the costume flips and stage antics may be my #1 favourite Eurovision fad ;)



02. Ireland
Sinéad Mulvey & Black Daisy
Et Cetera

Oops, someone took a wrong turn backstage. The Irish band got turned around when they were meant to be following the signposts to the dingy 90s high school prom held next door. Run along now. (ok, they may get a FEW points for daring to go on stage dressed like a disco ball)



03. Latvia
Intars Busulis
Probka

What just happened here? I only admitted I'm a fan of these quirky stage tricks in Eurovision, yet in this case - with the two poor girls getting saddled with projection screen dresses that hang oh-so-unflatteringly, while they're actually performing in front of a ginormous video wall stage the whole time!



04. Serbia
Marko Kon & Milaan
Cipela

It's the Serbian Village People, featuring the Serbian Tom Jones, George Michael and Britney! It's kitsch, it's fun, the atmosphere is ludicrous, but you know what? It absolutely works! The Serbians have already won recently and they're out to enjoy themselves, and it really does it for me. There's a chorus of twirly-shoed disco mountain elves on stage! There's Britney of the Alps, and of course a leather-fetish accordion man. VOTE!




05. Poland
Lidia Kopania
I Don't Wanna Leave

A paint-by-numbers power ballad, there's nothing actually wrong with any of the elements here (pretty girl with a deep deep throat and bellowing set of lungs, fat ugly backup singers to make her look more dazzling, glam costumes, a dramatic crescendo, and some guy chasing a girl around with a ribbon leash), tho they never transcend to anything I'll still remember after 10 minutes.



06. Norway
Alexander Rybak
Fairytale

On the flip side, there's Norway. There's no way, absolutely no way, you can listen to Fairytale and see Alexander's exuberance, enthusiasm and energy on stage, his magnetising eyes, and not remember this song for days or weeks later. The clear and uncontested winner of this year's Eurovision, I will be disgusted if any other song even dares to compete with this young boy. He's written the song himself, a pure love song, that breaks the stale confines of what's expected from a Eurovision entry and floods the audience with its raw emotion. Guess who I'm voting for? :)
I’m in love with a fairytale
Even though it hurts.
‘Cause I don’t care if I lose my mind;
I’m already cursed



07. Cyprus
Christina Metaxa
Firefly

A 'magical starry night' ballad (I'm really pulling these categories fresh out of my ass here, I hope y'all realise), from the youngest contestant in the competition this year. I admire the youthful optimism that the song and the performance exudes, the neat light trick on stage, and the originality of the lyrics. I would be glad to see Cyprus make it through this year and make it onto the top 10!
It’s a question that drives us
to where we must go
It’s the unknown that drives from us
what we want most
but the firefly sits in the corner in rest



08. Slovakia
Kamil Mikulčík & Nela Pocisková
Leť Tmou

Welcome back to Eurovision, crazy Slovaks! Their ballad duet is flawless and powerful, but it needs an innovative stage presence to shine through to the top. The original released video with the exhausted lovers resting on top of the white piano, cradling the old-style picture frame video screen of the artist's performance was a fitting and strong visual composition... that they unfortunately chose to discard for their Eurovision night performance. I still wish them best! Gotta love the Slovaks :)



09. Denmark
Brinck
Believe Again

Gawd, you folks must be bloated after this long string of good songs. Denmark is thinking of you and is providing you with a well-deserved 3-minute slash-break (Remind me again, why is their singer dressed like a horse jockey? ). Hurry back though, Slovenia isn't as accommodating to your biological needs.



10. Slovenia
Quartissimo feat. Martina
Love Symphony

The most captivating backdrop of the competition so far: a black and white symphony on a passionate red backdrop: Five doors, a string quartet and a blonde ambition economics student (who has appeared in Eurovision three times before as a backup vocalist for three different countries, huzzuh), and a love symphony packing a helluva lot of oomph!
Out of time, out of place
somewhere, inside my universe,
where you live your dreams...
Imagine, you and me,
we're flying above the sea,
feeling free,
eternaly,
like in this love symphony...



11. Hungary
Zoli Ádok
Dance With Me

Parents, lock your daughters away. It's the time of night for the Hungarian pimp and his bitches. Look at him, jiggle his moneymaker and work work work them bitches. Look at them grab him and rub him and shake shake shake that booty. Look at him ride them hard, and flex his legs. They're his to do with as he wishes. Pick them up, twirl them and parade them around like a Gucci handbag, or throw them away like a cheap imitation. I wanna see him make it big, just on the grounds of sheer sex audacity and utter gayness. You GO, Zoli!




12. Azerbaijan
AySel & Arash
Always

What an interesting mish-mash. And by interesting, I mean hideous, boring, ghastly unoriginal or a combination thereof. It's a song and dance routine that would make the masses roar in some dingy Athenian entertainment centre several km out on the interstate, sometime in the late 80s to early 90s, but right here right now, I'll have to urge you to reconsder another run to the loo, only 7 songs left to go!



13. Greece
Sakis Rouvas
This Is Our Night

Caution: rant in progress. On principle, the lovely Greek queer daddy Sakis has everything needed to dazzle the Eurovision fans. Another paint-by-numbers (and therefore so forgettable) pop dance number, chiseled abs, picture-perfect frozen colgate smile, and a wardrobe with perpetually washing machine shrunk tees and torn jeans that were already two sizes too tight to begin with. Despite national pride and all that fuck, I so wished the old hag to fall on her face tonight, as the comparison to the young and talented Norwegian Alexandar only serves to accentuate everything that's fundamentally wrong about our old Greek hag in dazzling persil white and can't-believe-it's-not-spray-on body tan. Regardless, the absolutely shameless excess of his magic sparkling soap box stage, which rotates, elevates, binds, tilts and even lets you do your treadmill and will make you breakfast in bed in the morning, managed to win even me over. It's like something out of Sport Billy's bag! Dix points for the magic soap box stage, I still hope Sakis falls on his face :)



14. Lithuania
Sasha Son
Love

A song that is both a love ballad and also a plea for European help to support education in Lithuania. The song is living, breathing, dancing, sparkling gay proof in a fedora to the limited dictionary of the Lithuanian people. I mean, really:
"If you really love
The love you say you love (really love)
Then surely that love would love ...
Then surely that love would love to love you back "
They really don't know any other verbs. They live on love alone in Lithuania.



15. Moldova
Nelly Ciobanu
Hora Din Moldova

Eurovision has been proving year after year that there really is no traditional local costume or uniform that could not benefit from knee high leather boots, lots of sparkle and an i-can-see-your-fanny skirt! Oh, make no mistake, I still applauded all the way through this performance, one of the night's shining ones, as I fully support more ethnic flavour in each country's contribution.



16. Albania
Kejsi Tola
Carry Me In Your Dreams

I was surprised by the Albanian choreography this year. Performed by what could succinctly be described as the Albanian knock-off Kalomoira (Greece's twinky performer last year), the choreography has the sort of ever-moving, sitting down on people, getting up, moving, stepping on people, climbing, sitting, standing, again, moving etc restless feel that you only see when the producers are desperately keen to distract the people's attention from the song as much as humanly possibly (the improvement on the moldovan i-can-now-see-straight-IN-your-fanny skirt combined with the did-they-really-need-to addition of a floor fan under the girl only adds to the support of the posit. Of course, they do want to do well, but not actually win, because then comes the 'shit, we actually have to host this next year, we don't have any money!!' we're-fucked moment. And that's why there's a walking green dildo-man with glitter on stage with the girl. He's there for the interest of the national economy.




17. Ukraine
Svetlana Loboda
Be my Valentine! (Anti-crisis Girl)

Svetlana for Eurovision Prom Queen! The Ukrainian scandal queen shows an envious versatility, jumping from a Madonna music video intro with as many industrial gear set pieces as she could fit on stage, to a dirrty Xtina dance routine, spreading her legs and rubbing her crotch left and right on her boys' faces, and finishing with an 80s kitsch garage band revolution. Represent!



18. Estonia
Urban Symphony
Rändajad

Estonia takes the Slovenian attempt one step further this year. Keep the strings, get rid of the blokes, and fill the stage with young girls in long sparkling dresses and instruments. It could work. Unfortunately for them, there's been too many good performances tonight, and it forces the audience to actually consider song quality as criteria for once. I wish I knew what they were singing about...



19. The Netherlands
The Toppers
Shine

You know that old saying "they saved the best for last"? Well, not in this case. It's fun to even try to prioritise what went wrong here. I might be the only person who actually appreciates the sassy chubby Marilyn on stage playing DJ or whatever she's meant to be holding (if it's sparkly and hanging from neckstrings, that's enough for me)... but the tone of the performance, the song or the trio of Tom Jones knock-offs (we've had loads of them tonights) does nothing indicate this is a conscious act of parody or lighthearted attempt. It all simply reeks of that canned Eurovision act smell, found forgotten in some cellar from the 80s or god-forbid early 90s. Do not consume after Best Before Date.


And that's it for the semi-finals this year. As far as predictions go, here's my personal top 10:

1. Norway - Fairytale
2. Hungary - come dance with me
3. Ukraine - Svetlana
4. Serbia - the Village People
5. Moldova
6. Slovenia
7. Cyprus
8. Greece
9. Croatia
10. Slovakia

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Eurovision 2009 1st Semi-Final prep

Not a lot of time left to go before the Eurovision 2009 (30 mins as of this publication). The mission again this year: skim through today's competition on the www.eurovision.tv webpage and find the best and the worst. The good I'll talk in detail, the bad I'll mock and the dull I'll just skip before finishing the video. We're on a tight time leash!

(This serves as a good guide to plan your evening and your toilet breaks. You're better off spending more time in the loo and the kitchen than the actual TV room.

Super-Speed-ing through:

01. Montenegro
Andrea Demirovic
Just Get Out of My Life

You can take your time tuning in tonight, the first act's a dud. A decent enough pop number, ruined by the poor choreography and costume choice. The poor prom queen haunted by the ghost of... disco fever John Travolta? Just Get Out, Get Out, GET OUT!



02. Czech Republic
Gipsy.cz
Aven Romale

A Gupsy Pride anthem, performed by an orange-clad SuperGupsyMan, in front of a cutesy comics pop backdrop. They probably couldn't find fresh watermelons and trucks for decor in the frozen Moscow markets in time for the performance, right? Still, the performance wins point with direction, coming through like a Tim Burton-esque superhero musical affair.




03. Belgium
Copycat
Copycat

... still not sure for watermelons, but Moscow has certainly sold out of sparkle and gold lame after these first three entries. Belgium does Vegas all the way, with the full glamour and kitsch. There's a reason we don't invite the yanks to participate in this contest, people. And that face... euch. Take your time in the loo, there's still no rush.



04. Belarus
Petr Elfimov
Eyes That Never Lie

The white ghost of Belarus makes for an impressive stage presence, but why did noone think to instruct mr Elfimov to move on stage, rather than nervously pacing up and down like an expecting father in the maternity wing? Mis-match number 4 already, will this night get any better?



05. Sweden
Malena Ernman
La Voix

There we go. Not winner-material by a long stretch, but unquestionably classy, haunting and glam. I'm a sucker for a good high-pitch shriek, and handy stage props. Why do I feel so dirty after mrs Malena constant love-making to the camera? I feel penetrated :(
Je t'aime, amour, quand
J’entends la voix…
Je t'aime, ma vie
C’est jamais sans toi
Je vis ma vie pour toi
C'est l'universe pour moi



06. Armenia
Inga & Anush
Jan Jan

An adeptly performed (and only ever so slightly creepy) gothic pop/oriental dance from Anush and Inga (all together now, In-GA!!!). Solid Eurovision-level performance, good use of the stage, but I wouldn't say they have actual challenging wings for the final. Twin belly-ancers are sexy in principle, but this pair look more prone to chop your member off and spit it in your face, I fear the straight male audience is prone to stay the heck away.




07. Andorra
Susanne Georgi
La Teva Decisió (Get A Life)

The ghosts of the Abba-Teens loom over Russia. Who you gonna call? If you've already seen Mamma Mia last summer, you can stroll to the kitchen and refill your drinks.



08. Switzerland
Lovebugs
The Highest Heights

Apart from the actual band name (the Lovebugs? really now... just because the Beatles made it big, everyone's getting ideas), I must admit I dug this song, the gig-ey attitude, and the exemplary use of the provided videoscreen backdrop. Learning it was not actually written for eurovision makes sense, and makes it so perfect for the competition.
I climb this tree
the highest heights
from beneath the stars
I see little lights
the deams I dream
demand their rights
will you catch me when I fall
from the highest heights?



09. Turkey
Hadise
Düm Tek Tek

Wow, talk about playing it safe, and by the checkpoint list. An admittedly catchy tune onslaught, the likes of which Turkey hasn't dared unleash since the international plague of 'kiss kiss', a voluptuous JLo wannabe, stagefarts, sexy chicas, belly-dancing, endless legs, manly stage totty. There's no doubt this will make it through...



10. Israel
Noa & Mira Awad
There Must Be Another Way

Diva-tastic. The two Israeli and Arab ladies fill the stage with their presence and chemistry, but I would still like to see the person responsible for that little drumming session in the end shot in Moscow plaza.



11. Bulgaria
Krassimir Avramov
Illusion

There's glamorous extravagance, and then there's this well-known Greek artist named Floriniotis. Guess which extreme is best suited to describe this Medrano-lite Eurovision performance? Despite his clothes, the eerily oedipal pairing with the griffin claw Dolly Parton on stage is enough to scare away the greatest opera lover.



12. Iceland
Yohanna
Is It True?

A picture perfect ballad seems to have leaped straight out of a Disney feature, complete with the singing princess, magic moonshine, candy-stream clouds, and one fat pair of back-up singing stepsisters.



13. F.Y.R. Macedonia
Next Time
Neshto Shto Ke Ostane

Not as ground-shaking a performance as all that broken glass on the video wall would have you think. More High School of Rock Musical than they'd care to admit?



14. Romania
Elena
The Balkan Girls

Surprisingly NOT a hot-line ad, although it skits the limits ooooh-so-close! One of the night's catchiest songs, it's sure to win the elusive hungry wolf str8 man-votes. If it still fails, at least we can be sure the girls have done their part to boost summer sex-tourism to the balkan countries. Rumouredly, a big hit in the Sofia 2009 human trafficking convention circuit too. From rehearsal to performance, the entry gained a 'daughters of Eve' theme and costumes that can only be likened to bridesmaid dresses (the principle of dressing all the other girls around you on stage as ugly as you can get away with, to make yourself shine better).

The Balkan girls they like to party like nobody , like nobody,
For crowd delight , we’ll shine all night.



15. Finland
Waldo's People
Lose Control

...speaking of whores, how about those Finnish girls on stage? I'll hold some reservation as the entire ensemble cast had different costumes between the two rehearsals I watched online, but -barring some unexpected Jesus Christ Superstar intervention by the camera director- this flop will not float.
p.s. what's with the Circo obsession this year? 15 songs in, and we've already seen stiltmen, superheroes and fire jogglers. How long before the Bearded Lady and the Geek?
p.s.2. edited after semifinal viewing... Damn, they've made it worse yet! The whole 3 minutes I had the jabbing suspicion the backup singer girls were hired by the hour from the moscow plaza sidewalks.



16. Portugal
Flor-de-lis
Todas As Ruas Do Amor

I'm particularly soft to the Fado sounds of the Portuguese heritage, and the music here actually accomplishes the impossible, to merge with and justify the magic candycane background. Unfortunately, I'll be surprised if it manages to reach to a satisfying percent of the viewers.




17. Malta
Chiara
What If We

So reminiscent of the similarly Disney-ish Iceland entry, only with the Dragon having eaten the princess, AND her sisters (also, very probably, the entire signing dancing kitchen set and assorted talking animal supporting cast) and taken the stage. Just because a performer is large enough to fill the stage by herself does not mean it's the wise way to go. Her actual semifinal performance won me over, in a Broadway musical magic quality, she's certainly a mama Diva.



18. Bosnia & Herzegovina
Regina
Bistra Voda

It can't be just me who sees the similarities between this and the enchanting Leyla from a few years back. An admirable stage presence, choreography and non-offending costumes (for a change, tonight. see? nothing wrong with playing-it-safe white, people). After the gruelling choice of songs for the semi-final, 'not offensive' is actually a rare enough quality to put a song in my top picks.


As a tally, here are my top 7 picks (well my only 7 picks, there's abyss after this), and by no means do I expect more than 1 or 2 of them to actually make it through. :)

1. Sweden
2. Portugal
3. Switzerland
4. Israel
5. Romania
6. Turkey
7. Bosnia & Herzegovina

see you tomorrow for 2nd semi-final prep!


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